June 14, 2012
Last night my husband told me he didn’t want us to celebrate anymore Christian holidays. The only holidays he wanted us to celebrate were my pagan holidays. I have been longing for this but surprisingly I hesitated. Not because I objected but because I wasn’t sure how the rest of my family and my children would take the change. Silly really. I don’t care what most people on the street think of my spiritual choices but when it comes to my family I have hesitation. Most of them know that I am pagan. The main people who do not know is grandparents. They are of a very different time and would not be as accepting. Part of me is super excited about the prospect of only celebrating pagan holidays in my home. The biggest part. There is just the tiniest part of me that hesitates. Because it is a part of me I cannot move past and grow out of. The part of me that doesn’t want to alienate any member of my family. The irony is that they never do this for me so why should I bother doing this for them. I mean as far as my kids go they won’t mind I am sure. No more listening to Christian grace before big holiday meals. No more waiting until the 25th of December to open “Christmas” gifts. That will all be done on the day of the sabbat. Teaching them all about the pagan holidays instead of confusing them with celebrating both Christian and pagan holidays. My children will grow up to be proud and strong in their choices. Not fearful of some punishment for them from some oppressive hateful god. They will learn more that they are the ones that need to take responsibility for every decision they make because they alone are the ones that reap the rewards or suffer the consequences from karma. They will learn that the rewards and consequences come in this Lifetime and not in some afterlife or in the next life. They will learn to celebrate the seasons of the earth and not the life of some fictional being. They will learn to live for themselves and think for themselves instead of letting some fictional book guide them. They will learn to rely on their intuition and gut and not some money grubbing preacher to tell them what is right and wrong. Yes I am beginning to feel more confident in this decision. This is a great and wonderful thing. And what better year to start than this one. The year that most Christians are dooming to be the end of the world. And they themselves will bring it on. Just by believing it will happen. Just by putting that energy into the universe they alone will bring it about. That is what they want then that is what they will get. Time to step up and be what we are. I wish for all pagans and non religious people to stand up and be proud to not be a sleeping sheep. But be proud to be an enlightened spiritual being and human being! I think since this is something in celebration for us then to help my kids with the change I will start having feasts and fun with pagan friendly friends and fellow pagans in my home. We will have a potluck feast and games and bonfires. Make a full day of it. Making sure their is fun had by all. I think this is the beginning of something fantastically magickal.
Latest Entries »
It’s been well over a year since my friend and I parted ways. I miss her terribly. She was like a sister to me. What the hell do you do when you miss someone so much and you know that they want nothing to do with you? What do you do when you just want things to be some semblance to normal? Not a day goes by that she doesn’t cross my mind. What things would be like if I hadn’t been so stupid. If I had just slowed down and left things alone instead of flipping out. But things are how they are. There is nothing to do now but be. Sometimes I think about these things. What if we were still friends? We would be hanging out like before. We could all hangout together. For once my hubs and yours would have something in common. How do you get back what you have lost when so much has been said that cannot be taken back? how do you fill the place that person had once filled in your heart? How do you become friends again and not lose so much more in your life? I miss her terribly. I miss them both. I don’t want to lose anyone else and I do not want to be hurt again but isn’t life too short to fear what might happen instead of being happy in the moment. I want our friendship back but am afraid of losing other friends in the process. What the fuck do you do?I miss having them around me and laughing. All of them. Isn’t there a way to work this out? I wish there was.
Well I finally finished the Descent into Darkness Wrap. Boy dod that take a long time. It is by far the biggest knitting project I have ever done. Love it tho. Turned out beautiful. So now i am project free. And I don’t like it lol. Time to find a new one. Hmmm what shall I do?
Well I am finally nearly finished with the descent into darkness wrap from the book vampire knits. It took me a while to get the hang of the stitch pattern but after about 6 tries I finally figured it out. I am on the final color change and hope to have it completed within the next couple of days. Then I have the task of deciding what my next project will be from the vampire knits book. Hmmmmmmm. Pics to come!
Well I stated before that I was going to knit all the patterns from Vampire Knits. Well I still have this goal and now that things are settled down in some ways lol I plan on getting back on track with that. My next project I have chosen is the Descent into Darkness wrap. Knit picks no longer has a couple of the colors recommended so I am going to create my own color pattern. Going to see about putting the order in for the yarn and needles today. Wish me luck!
Limp Bizkit Break Stuff Lyics
It’s just one of those days, when ya don’t wanna wake up
Everything is fucked, everybody sucks
You don’t really know why, but you wanna justify rippin someone’s head off
No human contact, and if you interact your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker!, It’s just one of those days!
It’s all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit lettin shit slip
Or you’ll be leavin with a fat lip
It’s all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit
It’s just one of those days, feelin like a freight train
First one to complain, leaves with the blood stain
Damn right I’m a maniac, you better watch your back
Cuz I’m fucking up your program, and if you’re stuck up, your just lucked up
Next in line to get fucked up, your best bet is to stay away motherfucker!
It’s just one of those days!
It’s all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit lettin shit slip
Or you’ll be leavin with a fat lip
It’s all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit punk
So come and get it
I feel like shit, my suggestion is to keep your distance
Cuz right now I’m dangerous, we’ve all felt like shit, and been treated like shit
All those motherfuckers who want to step up, I hope ya know I pack a chainsaw
I’ll skin your ass raw, and if my day keeps going this way
I just might break sumthin tonight, I pack a chainsaw
I’ll skin your ass raw, and if my day keeps going this way
I just might break sumthin tonight, I pack a chainsaw
I’ll skin your ass raw, and if my day keeps going this way
I just might break your fuckin face tonight!
Give me something to break! Give me something to break!
Just give me something to break! How bout your fuckin face!
I hope ya know I’m like a chainsaw (what)
A chainsaw (what) A motherfuckin chainsaw (what)
So come and get it
It’s all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit lettin shit slip
Or you’ll be leavin with a fat lip
It’s all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit punk
So come and get it
It was the only way to express my feelings today. I do not own these lyrics. But I DO FEEL THEM TO MY CORE TODAY! And to my “stalker” Stay the hell outta my way. Best thing for you.
Well to help myself close this horrible chapter in my life I deleted my ravelry account. I had to erase any traces of that toxic friendship. Maybe that will help. I found myself from time to time checking to see how her life was going. It is hard to say goodbye and close a chapter that took so much of my life. 20 years. wow! Well it is time to begin a new chapter. Filled with laughter and life and fun.
Thought about going one street over and talking to a former friend of mine. But not even sure if she would talk to me. We stopped speaking for a very stupid reason. I guess. idk.
Well I have started trying to lose weight. Exercising. The whole 9 yards. But nothing has happened yet except for a sore ass (from riding my bike).It’s a bit discouraging when nothing happens. I am looking forward to my total diet lifestyle change. Starts in a few weeks. Maybe then I will start seeing results. Been doing this for about 2 weeks and not even the slightest bit of progress has been made. Trying not to give up tho.
I have been thinking lately alot about the me I show to the world. I hold back alot. I do that because I don’t trust people. I need to not care so much about what others think of me. I try not to but I still do. I need to open myself up and show the world ME. Who am I? I am strong yet very sensative. I have a HUGE heart. I am giving and loving. But that person hides in fear most of the time. Why? Why not just let her out to play no matter what the world thinks? Because I fear the pain. I know that pain and have felt it more times than I care to think about. I have been hurt or betrayed so many times and have pulled myself up by my bootstraps so many times that I am just tired of putting myself out there. I try to avoid being hurt by trying to “fit in” or be someone everyone else needs me to be. I want to open up. I trully do. But I am afraid that if I do my HUGE heart will end up ripped out and stomped on once again. You see everytime I decide “that’s it I am gonna be me and not care” and start trusting someone then they use me and betray me. Do you know how exhausting it is to keep trying and keep getting kicked in the teeth and then trying to pull myself up yet again? So in order to keep people out I have built these walls and everytime I let someone tear that wall down or show them the secret doorway then I end up the one hurt and I rebuild that wall taller and wider and thicker. It has gotten to the point where no one gets through or even tries. I used to be fun and happy all the time and ready to meet new people. But now I am a person that has decided she likes her shell and never comes out. I miss being out. I miss meeting new people. I miss me. I do not dress the way I want to because I do not feel like letting anyone see the real me.
